I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I don't know why I'm supposed to keep struggling just in case something good might happen. I've been looking for work for 3 months. I've gotten 3 interviews. Applied for over 200 positions. 

Most of my social connections terminated the day I was arrested. It's like I'm no longer worthy of people's thought or concern. 

My wife divorced me while I was in jail. You might say that was expected, but it wasn't. She stick by me for 10 months of incarceration and then suddenly divorced me. I still don't understand what changed. She won't talk to me about it. 

The friend that I turned to after the divorce ghosted me twice while I was locked up. We got back in touch after I got out and talked every day until she decided that having an open an honest conversation with me about why she keeps hurting me was too much. I barely even hear from her anymore. 

I made a friend on /r/Makenewfriendshere. Well, maybe. She ghosted me for a week and then came back and may be ghosting me again. I've been open about my insecurities and fear of abandonment. And still, I am treated like this. 

I thought I'd made another friend on the same sub. She read my profile and knew about my bad decisions. We talked for about a week, and then she abruptly decided that I was an bad and unredeemable person because of what I did. I blocked her. I've been punished. I'm still being punished. I'm trying so hard to feel like I'm still a person with value who has a place in the world. I don't need that kind of energy in my life. 

I hear from most of my other remaining friends less now than when I was locked up. I guess it's easy when you just have to answer a 15 minute phone call every so often. 

I'm so lonely. I feel like the entire world is against me. I want to give up.

(a partial post from /r/lonely and /r/Depression) 

Lost my Injury Lawyer

 I was rear-ended by an 18 wheeler a couple of weeks ago. My car was totaled. I'm honestly lucky to be alive (the handful of you who follow my blog probably know this already). If the driver had poorer reaction time, he'd have hit me head on instead of clipping me and tearing off my rear wheel. Since the accident, I've been in constant pain. I wrestled a little with whether it was ethical to hire an injury attorney, but I have been suffering pain and I didn't do anything to deserve it.

I told the firm about my charges when I first inquired with them (in Louisiana they can bring up felonies within the past year for any court case, apparently). After I signed the paperwork, I told the lawyer assigned to my case about the charges and he didn't seem concerned. The firm sent me to two appointment with a chiropractor. Then, they sent me about two hours away for an X-ray. After I'd already traveled but before my appointment, I got a call from the chiropractor telling me not to come in because they got a call from my lawyer saying they didn't represent me anymore.

I got in touch with my lawyer and he explained that they were worried that the insurance company would decide they didn't want to settle and would force them to take it to trial. Then, they were worried that a jury would decide that, as a sex offender, I didn't deserve compensation for my injuries despite the fact that I was stopped at a redlight when an 18 wheeler ripped my back wheel off.

On the one hand, I appreciated his candor, but on the other I think it was super unprofessional for them to tell the Chiro before they told me. I felt really down about it for awhile afterwards, but I had other errands to run in town (which was a good thing since I'd otherwise have been pretty upset about a wasted trip), so I went on about my day.

I'm going to try to find another injury lawyer to represent me, but I've got a year from the date of the accident to do that. After I finish shopping for a new (to me) car, I'll start shopping for a lawyer again. I may try with smaller firms this time. And I'm going to make sure to tell them this story before anybody wastes anyone else's time.

It's really just another way that things are unexpectedly and arbitrarily hard for sex offenders.

Going along.

Depression sucks. I haven't stopped trying, but browsing jobs lately feels hopeless. It seems like everything for which I'm qualified I'm also unhireable due to my criminal history.

***

I spent some time on prison on a series of "Comics" about my experiences there. I just came across them and scanned them, so here they are. 

I almost died yesterday.

 I completed my move this past Sunday.  Then, I spent most of Monday running legal errands to stay in compliance with registration law and probation. Somehow doing this only made my to-do list get even longer, but I won't get into that lest I bury the lede.

I was on my way to Natchitoches to take my chances with the OMV where I needed to change the address on my driver's license.  I also needed to go see about setting up a new Internet service account (I'm currently posting this through the mobile hotspot on my phone).  I had just stopped at the light in Clarence when suddenly there was a huge impact that jarred my whole vehicle.

I checked my rearview mirror and didn't see anything, then I saw debris flying to my left and realized that I'd been clipped from behind by an 18 wheeler.  I'd seen him following me earlier.  He must have been driving way too fast.  I'm just thankful that he was able to swerve.  Had he not, I probably wouldn't be walking around and talking right now.

Almost immediately, there were multiple people checking on me to make sure I was OK.  One guy who said he used to be a deputy in Grant Parish, told me just to stay put until the police got there.  From inside the car, I couldn't even tell what had happened.  So far, I seem to have come through with only mild injuries. My left shoulder and the side of my neck are sore and I have some soreness on the middle part of my back on the right side.  I also suffered a gouge wound on the side of my right index finger facing my thumb.  That's been the most irritating injury so far because I'm right handed.  I know sometimes these things take time to make themselves evident, so I'm prepared to kind of take stock of of how I'm feeling physically for the next couple of months.

The officer who responded was kind and professional.  The driver who hit me was apologetic.  I think I surprised everyone by treating him with grace.  He made a mistake.  That mistake couldn't be undone.  He was certainly experiencing a lot of stress and guilt and worry himself.  There was no reason for me to treat him unkindly.  It's not like I've never made a mistake. Maybe being in a situation where I'm asking others to grant me grace makes me more inclined to dole it out myself.

There was a man selling watermelons at the corner where the accident happened.  He was one of the first to come check on me.  He even offered to give me a ride home, but I'd already gotten my roommate to come pick me up.  After the car was towed away, he asked me to come sit with him until my ride got there. He'd suffered a stroke about 10 years ago and had regained a lot of his mobility, but he still didn't have good fine motor control on that side.  He and his wife grow produce and he sells it at the corner there.  I'm going to look for him in the future and make sure to buy from him (and visit) whenever I can.

The rest of the day went as well as can be expected.  My insurance agent got me into a rental before I was even ready for one.  Since my roommate was with me, I asked her to come with me to the DMV and I was able to change my address on my license.  It was the most pleasant DMV experience I'd ever had.  They kept the line moving and everyone was personable and professional.  I got great service at the AT&T store when I went to order new Internet service.  The people at the rental car place were great.

I'm still not sure I've fully processed how close I came to death or disability.  But, my attitude throughout the day yesterday was one of gratitude and love.  So, maybe I did process it all very quickly.

I allowed myself today to rest and try to do some unpacking.  I didn't accomplish much, but I needed the rest after three very busy days of moving and running errands (not to mention almost getting splattered).  It wasn't until the afternoon that I realized that I'd gotten a moderate sunburn standing around in the middle of the highway for a couple of hours.

It was heartwarming to be reminded that people generally do default to concern for their fellow man.  I so often feel marginalized with my status as a sex offender, but I'm still a person and people still want me to be OK.  Admittedly, probably none of those people knew about my status.  But, even if I had a big sticker that said "THIS CAR IS BEING DRIVEN BY A SEX OFFENDER," I'm pretty sure people would still rush to help someone who's been struck by a big truck.

Monday had been a really tough day with all the stress of being a sex offender on probation and trying to stay in compliance with all of the regulations after a move.  This accident was a reminder that while all of that stuff is an obstacle, life is still precious.  It's still worth living (though it is perhaps regrettable that it sometimes takes a near death experience for us to remember that).

I don't want to go.

 

I'm moving in with my mom's neighbor this weekend.  I've already done the paperwork and the address has been approved.  I'm all set to transfer my registration there.  But, I don't want to leave my home.  I don't want to leave my dogs and cats.  I don't want to leave the city where I've lived my entire adult life.  But, my ex-wife wants me out of the house.  I haven't been able to find anywhere remotely affordable to live in the area (and I also haven't been able to find work).

It seems like it's going to be a good environment.  I'd originally been intending to move into a tiny travel trailer on my mom's property, but moving into a full furnished and functional house is way easier.  It will also probably do me some good not to be living alone right now.  I'll be able to do some house/pet sitting for the homeowner while she does some travel.  She's also charging me an incredibly generous "rent," which will likely only just cover my power and water consumption.  So, it's good to have an ally like that who's willing to help me out right now.

Still, I've been low-level sad about leaving all week and putting off packing for that reason.  A couple of hours ago, (after going and filing the moving paperwork with the sheriff), I finally decided to start the serious packing.  Instead, I ended up holding my 16 year old dog and crying for over an hour.  I kept telling him I'm sorry.  And how I didn't want to leave him two years ago when they locked me up and how I don't want to leave him now.  I can also apply all of that "not wanting to leave" to the house and the city and the community.  But, leaving my geriatric dog who doesn't likely have much time left is the hardest part.

I'm also sad that I haven't even been able to enjoy my last two months in my home.  I've been too depressed (I'm getting treatment, but barely making progress).  I theoretically have a strong support network of friends who all stayed in touch with me for the duration of my 2 year sentence, but it sometimes feels like nobody really cares that I'm out of jail now.  One of my friends came to pick me up when they released me and took a day off to try to help me get myself together (it didn't really work).  Nobody has come to visit me.  I'd assumed that my friends who hadn't seen me in over two years would all be pretty eager to come visit.  But nobody has.  They all seem pretty busy.  The two I asked about either visiting or meeting up both kind of blew me off and never suggested another time.  I feel like if someone would have come to visit me, I'd have made it a point to go to some of my favorite restaurants or maybe even reach out to some of our mutual friends who are in town that didn't respond to my initial texts/emails.  As it is (despite maintaining a terrible diet), I'm not particularly interested in food and usually only want to apply the minimum effort which involves lots of junk and fast food.  There are so many places I thought I'd be super excited about going to eat where I just haven't made it in the past two months.  And now I'm leaving.

Nobody calls.  I rarely get texts that aren't in reply to something I've sent.  The response rate to my texts isn't great.  I feel really abandoned, lonely, and isolated.  I'm having a hard time believing that those feelings will get better after having relocated to the middle of nowhere.  That's also not going to help with my job prospects.

The reality of the packing situation is that I'm not even bringing that much stuff with me.  Essentially just clothes, electronics, and stringed instruments.  I already dropped off some of my hobby stuff the last time I went that way.  But, I guess I just needed to do a little grieving before pushing through to the actual physical work of the task.

I'm leaving a lot of my stuff here for now.  I'll be coming in from time to time to get stuff (I have a lot of nerdy collectibles that I need to try to sell online), so I'll get the see the animals occasionally.  But, I'm not sure if that will make it better or worse.

Sex Offender DNA Phone Scam

I received a phone call today from someone who claimed to be named "Gregory Jackson" telling me that I missed an appointment for a "secondary DNA sample" on Monday.  He claimed the state had sent me a notice by certified mail.  When I insisted that I'd gotten no such notice, he said that the USPS showed it had been delivered and said something about how they'd need me to come in and sign and do a signature analysis for court.

He went on to tell me that because I had missed an appointment, a warrant had been issued for my arrest and that if I came in to give the DNA sample, they'd have to book me.  Then he put me on hold for awhile and came back with some mumbo jumbo about how I would be able to "self bond" and could pay now so that I wouldn't be locked up.

Of course, I got really scared because it is 100 percent plausible that both the State of Louisiana and the USPS could fuck things up in exactly this way.  So, he told me I had to pay several thousand dollars so that I wouldn't be put into jail.  Then he told me I had to stay on the phone with him the entire time so they'd know where I was, since I had an active warrant.  This is where things started feeling really fishy.  Obviously, he didn't want me to contact anyone and try to vet what was happening.

I went to the bank, and withdrew some money from savings.  When I got back to the car, there was this text about depositing cash into some weird kiosk.  "Sgt Jackson" told me an address and that I was to go deposit the money there.  At that point, I told him I was going to need some kind of documentation before I deposited money in some random electronic kiosk.  He got adversarial and told me "if that's how you feel about it, I can just come pick you up."  I told him I'd already texted my PO about it and he didn't really have any response to that.  So, I put in the address on my GPS and while driving there.  At this point there was radio chatter and the guy starts talking about having units on standby and saying random "codes."  I think he said 1088.  While driving to the address, I called Lt. Moore (the local authority over sex offenders in the parish).  He immediately assured me that the call was a scam and asked me to merge him into the call.  I did, but the guy hung up right away.  I was the 5th or 6th person who'd called him about this came today.

I'm so angry.  I didn't need this extra stress.  Also, sex offenders are already a marginalized group who have to pay lots of random fees.  Trying to prey on us financially is really shitty.  I'm sure the people take some comfort in the fact that they're taking advantage of "bad people," but damn.  It turns out that having a legally vulnerable group of people who are required to post and publish all of their contact information and criminal history online makes us an especially tempting target for scammers.

Both the number above and the number that texted me about the kiosk are answering calls.  Though, as soon as I they figure out I'm on to them, they just hang up.

Apparently one of the guys who got called actually made a payment of some amount.  That sucks a lot, but the good news is that at least a crime has now been committed.  Until money actually changes hands under false pretenses, no crime has actually occurred.  Though, now that I'm thinking about crime and punishment, I'm really not sure what kind of penalty I'd like these guys to face.  I know incarceration isn't reasonable.  Maybe they should have to be on the sex offender registry for awhile.

Update: Putting these comments in a screenshot for posterity.

I'm 90% sure the person who wrote this is one of the scammers because I texted both their numbers a link to this post.  But, there are people out there who really feel this way about sex offenders.  Note how this person automatically assumes the worst about me and says that I deserve to die.

I also enjoy how they're not willing to comment from their actual Google Account and made a throwaway one under the name "Concerned Citizen" because they're actually just a troll who's into the idea of punching down.

Motivation, Updates

 Motivation has been a major struggle.  Nothing seems to matter.  That's depression talking.  I've been working on fostering a positive mindset with my life coach.  But, it's hard.  I so badly want to write, but I frequently can't even make myself do that.  There's so much that I need to have done before I leave this house and I should have already done most of it.  But, I struggle to be active for more than a few hours a day.  I feel a lot of guilt about how little I accomplish on a daily basis.  I try to cut myself slack about it, but it seems like everything is arbitrarily hard.

I finally gave up on finding a therapist in the area that accepts Medicaid.  It's astounding how little support there is for people who need help like I do.  I signed up for Better Help and meet with my new therapist in about half an hour.  I couldn't let myself keep putting it off.

I reported to my PO yesterday and again wrote on the form that I hadn't attended required counseling because I haven't been scheduled for it.  I'd schedule it myself if my PO would provide me with the information, but she hasn't.  So, I guess I'm in the clear?  Nothing makes sense.

One of the newspapers I sent my information to (so they could publish community warnings) couldn't receive my mail and it got returned to me.  When I contacted the local Lieutenant in charge of sex offender stuff, he gave me the same address I already tried.  So I tried again.  He also told me that he needed a copy of the Money Order receipts for my payment.  Apparently nobody actually checks that the community notifications happen--just that we paid the money to make them happen.  Fantastic.

I'm going to ask my PO for permission to use Reddit.  I already updated my profile with a post that says that I'm a sex offender and my crimes (as I'm required to do by the state of Louisiana).  It also links to this blog.  

I just feel so isolated all the time.  I feel like it would be good for me to engage with some kind of community.  It would also be nice to be able to write and feel like what I'm writing is being read.  Posting here often feels like messages sent to the void.  I can see that I get page views, but I'm unclear on how often those are just automated bots who are scrubbing my posts for search engine information.

I'm increasingly resigned to moving back to Montgomery and staying in the travel trailer that my Mom has.  I don't especially want to live there, but I have no leads on anywhere even marginally affordable in Caddo Parish.  And, if I have to move and pay all the re-notification fees anyway, maybe it makes sense to go somewhere where the cost of living will be relatively low.