Just over two years ago, I was arrested. It was on the news. It was on the Internet. Googling me now turns up a lot of really unflattering information.
My charges are embarrassing. I'm not proud of the mistakes I've made, but I've been living with them for the past two years. I'll be living with the consequences of my mistakes for the rest of my life.
Prison gave me the chance for a lot of reflection. Looking at my life, I realized how dysfunctional it had become, even ignoring the specifics that led to my incarceration. I'd always known I was depressed. I told myself I was managing it well. But, in reality, I was constantly searching for fulfillment while never finding it.
Jail was traumatic and isolating. I'll write more about my experiences within Louisiana's criminal justice system in the future (it's one of the primary things I want to do in this blog).
I lost my career and my marriage. And I lost touch with all but a handful of very close friends and family members.
It's been over two years since I heard from almost everyone I know. I have no idea where I stand with them. Who has written me off forever as a terrible monster? Who just doesn't know what to say after so long? Who's waiting for me to be the one to reach out? I have no idea.
So, consider this my attempt to reconnect with anyone who'll have me.
I'm currently living at my old house in Shreveport. I'll be here until the end of July. After that? I have no idea. I'm still figuring it out. I wake up every day and apply for jobs. I'm also working through organizing and minimizing my physical property. All this, of course, while working through the transition back to normal life. (Yesterday, I almost left the water running in the bathroom sink because all the sinks in jail have push button faucets that turn themselves off after about 30 seconds.)
Mostly, I'm lonely. I have several friends that have been in touch with me over the past two years. I text and call them as much as I think they can stand. But, as far as I know, I only have one friend left in all of Shreveport. If I extend that to all of Louisiana, that takes the total to two. When it comes to family, I'm lucky that my immediate family are all still in my life (Mom, Dad, Sister, and Grandmother), but I haven't heard from anyone else.
I understand that people are probably angry with me, disappointed in me, and uncomfortable with what I did. I've gone through all of those same feelings. Some of them still persist. But, this is my life now. I can't avoid reality. I'm willing to tell my story, and I plan to do it in a later entry here. I'm sorry for what I did. I never intended to hurt anyone. Despite the stigma that come with my crimes, I do not believe that I am a danger to anyone. I'm trying to figure out how to get others to believe the same thing.
While I can't claim that this experience has not changed me in some ways, I'm still fundamentally the same person as before. I still love people easily. I still want to help people. I still want to work towards making the world a better place.
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What if I'd died on June 1st, 2021? Would anyone have missed me? Would people have wished we could have talked more or spent more time together? Would there have been things they regretted not asking or telling me?
I want to believe that I'd have been missed. But, after 2 years of incarceration, I'm not so sure anymore. I went away, but now I'm back. I'm still here. I don't feel like I've been missed.
I'm doing everything I can to make the best of my new living situation. I'd really like to have more connections to the people from my past, but that decision is ultimately up to them. If you're willing to be connected to me again, please reach out. If not, I understand.
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I'm not sure what someone in my shoes is supposed to do. Maybe I'm supposed to content myself with life on the fringes of society. But, right now, I haven't given up all hope that my life may still look something like it did before all of this.
Edit: Feel free to share this with anyone who may be interested. I'm getting lots of emails and texts bouncing back, so I may not have up-to-date contact information for people.
