Motivation has been a major struggle. Nothing seems to matter. That's depression talking. I've been working on fostering a positive mindset with my life coach. But, it's hard. I so badly want to write, but I frequently can't even make myself do that. There's so much that I need to have done before I leave this house and I should have already done most of it. But, I struggle to be active for more than a few hours a day. I feel a lot of guilt about how little I accomplish on a daily basis. I try to cut myself slack about it, but it seems like everything is arbitrarily hard.
I finally gave up on finding a therapist in the area that accepts Medicaid. It's astounding how little support there is for people who need help like I do. I signed up for Better Help and meet with my new therapist in about half an hour. I couldn't let myself keep putting it off.
I reported to my PO yesterday and again wrote on the form that I hadn't attended required counseling because I haven't been scheduled for it. I'd schedule it myself if my PO would provide me with the information, but she hasn't. So, I guess I'm in the clear? Nothing makes sense.
One of the newspapers I sent my information to (so they could publish community warnings) couldn't receive my mail and it got returned to me. When I contacted the local Lieutenant in charge of sex offender stuff, he gave me the same address I already tried. So I tried again. He also told me that he needed a copy of the Money Order receipts for my payment. Apparently nobody actually checks that the community notifications happen--just that we paid the money to make them happen. Fantastic.
I'm going to ask my PO for permission to use Reddit. I already updated my profile with a post that says that I'm a sex offender and my crimes (as I'm required to do by the state of Louisiana). It also links to this blog.
I just feel so isolated all the time. I feel like it would be good for me to engage with some kind of community. It would also be nice to be able to write and feel like what I'm writing is being read. Posting here often feels like messages sent to the void. I can see that I get page views, but I'm unclear on how often those are just automated bots who are scrubbing my posts for search engine information.
I'm increasingly resigned to moving back to Montgomery and staying in the travel trailer that my Mom has. I don't especially want to live there, but I have no leads on anywhere even marginally affordable in Caddo Parish. And, if I have to move and pay all the re-notification fees anyway, maybe it makes sense to go somewhere where the cost of living will be relatively low.
