I'm sad.

 I've been disinclined to write because I have nothing positive to report.  But, I guess non-positive reports are part of this whole process.

I got really upset a few days ago because my ex finally started the process of paying me for my equity in the home we own together.  I sorely need the money since my savings is dwindling and my job prospects seem nonexistent.  But, there's some finality in losing my home.  I didn't want this divorce.  I didn't want to leave my home.  I didn't want to leave Shreveport.  I know I made plenty of bad decisions that ultimately led me here, but it still doesn't quite make sense to me that someone's life can be so totally destroyed so easily.

I made myself go into town today to buy some groceries.  I didn't really want to, but I was out of some essentials.  I felt so sad the whole trip.  I feel so alone.  I miss having a partner.  I miss my ex.  I miss there always being someone there who had my back.  Or who would do nice things for me.  Or buy me little gifts.  I miss having someone that wanted to talk to me every day.

Sometimes, I just want to go back to jail.  Jail is miserable, but at least you don't have any responsibilities.  You have no expectations.  You just exist...barely.  I've nearly depleted my savings and I have little to show for it.  I'm not sure that my housing situation is stable.  Moving is frustrating already, but moving as a Sex Offender is even worse.  I could just go back to jail for three years and save a ton of money and lose a bunch of weight.  Wallow in my depression for awhile.  Then, when I got out, I'd be a lot more free than I am not while on probation.

I'm not serious.  But, sometimes it really doesn't feel like all of this struggle is worth anything.  It's crazy how difficult it is just to survive.

I see the doctor tomorrow about adjusting my medication.  Maybe that will help.  I'm increasingly convinced that I have the wombo-combo of Depression and ADHD.  Lately, I'm simultaneously overwhelmed by and completely disinterested in mundane tasks.  It's hard to get fired up about applying for jobs when 95% of applications will never even be met with a rejection email.  Or when you have a hard time figuring how to start on your morning where you need to shower, send a package, have breakfast, and go get groceries.

I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I don't know why I'm supposed to keep struggling just in case something good might happen. I've been looking for work for 3 months. I've gotten 3 interviews. Applied for over 200 positions. 

Most of my social connections terminated the day I was arrested. It's like I'm no longer worthy of people's thought or concern. 

My wife divorced me while I was in jail. You might say that was expected, but it wasn't. She stick by me for 10 months of incarceration and then suddenly divorced me. I still don't understand what changed. She won't talk to me about it. 

The friend that I turned to after the divorce ghosted me twice while I was locked up. We got back in touch after I got out and talked every day until she decided that having an open an honest conversation with me about why she keeps hurting me was too much. I barely even hear from her anymore. 

I made a friend on /r/Makenewfriendshere. Well, maybe. She ghosted me for a week and then came back and may be ghosting me again. I've been open about my insecurities and fear of abandonment. And still, I am treated like this. 

I thought I'd made another friend on the same sub. She read my profile and knew about my bad decisions. We talked for about a week, and then she abruptly decided that I was an bad and unredeemable person because of what I did. I blocked her. I've been punished. I'm still being punished. I'm trying so hard to feel like I'm still a person with value who has a place in the world. I don't need that kind of energy in my life. 

I hear from most of my other remaining friends less now than when I was locked up. I guess it's easy when you just have to answer a 15 minute phone call every so often. 

I'm so lonely. I feel like the entire world is against me. I want to give up.

(a partial post from /r/lonely and /r/Depression)