It's been challenging to find the energy to write. But, here I am now, so I'll count that as a win.
The past week has been a thoroughly mixed bag. I've had a handful of job interviews. I lost power for three days this weekend, which really made it hard for me to feel like I could accomplish much of anything.
One of my dogs took sick during the power outage. I assumed he was just taking the heat poorly (he was an old guy), but when I woke up yesterday (the morning after the power was restored), he was doing worse. It turns out he had some kind of abdominal mass. They vet said it wasn't treatable, so he was euthanized yesterday afternoon.
That was hard because it was so unexpected. It's clear now that he hadn't been well for awhile. When I got home three weeks ago, he was surprisingly reserved. He was sleeping a lot, but having been away for two years, I assumed that was just his new normal. Even though he wasn't feeling good, he was almost always at my feet or nearby. We always said that I was his person more than he was my dog. He picked me. In hindsight, his illness explains why he wasn't nearly as excited to see me when I got home as I'd expected. Still, the house feels empty without him around. He wasn't always a very good dog, but he loved me like no other living thing had every loved me before. I'll miss him.
He was a stray that wandered into our yard about a decade and a half ago. We opened the door, he came in and made himself at home by jumping up on the couch and he's been here ever since. We'd just adopted Hollis (our Basset Hound) and we didn't really want another dog, so we tried to find him a home. We didn't give him a name because we didn't want to get attached. We just called him "the brown puppy." But, he was smart. So he started answering to it. That's the Brown Puppy's origin story.
I'll miss you buddy. But, I'm glad you're not suffering anymore.
***
Since then, I've been exhausted and sad. I'd hired a life coach (an expensive decision, but I'm such a mess right now, I feel like it was probably the right one) yesterday right before taking Brown to the vet. I managed to get up this morning and look over some of the materials she sent me. I also, after multiple people have told me I should, started a
store on Etsy to sell my rings. I had a job interview at noon.
Now, I'm trying to relax, but it's almost like I've forgotten how to do that. I just look around the house at the boxes of clothes and other detritus that all need to be combed through and sorted and feel so overwhelmed. I've been asked to find somewhere else to live by the end of next month and I don't even know how to go about starting. Before the power outage Friday, I'd planned to take some action to make my surroundings feel less chaotic and overwhelming. I feel pretty sure that doing it would help my mental state.
But instead, I'm sitting here crying over my dead dog.
